||sick and shitty and thoughtful
i have so much on my mind lately, and i use to write in my journal or in here once a day, and i never do anymore. writing is my release. it is better than having anyone listen, or keeping it inside. i've just been so busy with shit that doesn't even really matter, like, hanging out with friends. too much. and most of the time im bored anyways.
evan got me sick. i now have a 4th cold since september. joy.
i have been working on my scholarship notebook lately... and i really hope this contact medicine works so i can focus on completing it and not on being sick.
today has just been horrible, and yet nothing has really even happened for me to feel this way. i just feel so annoyed, and irritated. and so lonely.
i am a very social person, but i am also a complete loner. i think i just need time to be alone. actually, i know for a fact that is what i need. i just pretty much dedicate my life to my friends and i just need to "regroup" sometimes. i just got done helping out a friend .. giving him ideas to asking out a girl he totally likes, in his eyes, she is perfect. and it got me thinking:
what is wrong with me?
do i not have the capablity to like someone so much anymore? has it gone away? where is it? when will it return? when can i get lost in someone again?
i have been "interested" in 3 guys at my school so far, and by interested i mean they seemed cool, but i'd have to get to know them better, but they both have girlfriends, and the other one... just too much baggage.. it's just i miss LIKING someone. i miss it so much. i never want to talk about it because all i hear is "it will come, trust me" oh fuck that shit so much. i dont need to listen to something i already know. and usually its the people that have boyfriends and girlfriends that say that gay lame ass everyone says it because they dont know what else to say kinda shit. I ALREADY KNOW. i never LOOK for anything. but i always hope. and i always think too much, rather than just acting on my emotions.
what the hell happened to equality? i am not going to be someones punching bag, and just chase a guy around and look like a complete fool.
today i was at the mall, and i was in this majorly loooong line and there was this girl and her friend behind me, and she was on the phone with her boyfriend (at least i am assuming) and all of a sudden she says this in a serious tone "so, are u going to actually talk to me or continue making fun of me because im not in the mood and i dont need to deal with it right now" and then her tone completely changed and shes "what! i was just joking!!!" then shes like "OMGOMGOMG he hung up on me!!!" and she makes this huge deal and complaining and complaining about how hes not going to call her for the rest of the night and shit, so she calls him back and apologizes, and tries to play it off as a joke, when really she was speaking her mind.
why why why!!!!!
you know what, yeah i am picky, because i dont want a relationship LIKE THAT! fuck always chasing after someone and feeling like shit. i HATE negativity and just dealing with jerks, or possessive control freaks. even though it does suck being alone, i'd rather be with myself than be with someone i don't want.
so many people are in relationships just for the sake of companionship, not because they actually are "into" that person, and it's sad, but i can also understand, to a certain extent. i know that with Josh, that whole situation was so dumb, but the more i knew of his love for carolina and the more i realized i was 2nd, i just really didn't want to let him go because i was so used to having someone call me and ask me where i was and basically just having someone. but there is also a point u reach, when common sense catches up with u, or maybe not catches up, but when u are ready to use it, and not just push it aside. because everyone always KNOWS what they should do, but few ever really do it. at least the first time around.
ahh this feels so good to write and let all this shit go. i just have so many things popping in my head, and its hard for me to contain myself. i just think way too much. that is the beginning and the end of the story.