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victoria

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I [25 Sep 2006|10:04pm]
All I know is that "This" feeling that I have now.... It makes me so truly happy. I am excited when I get to go home. I am excited to have intellectual conversations with my Aunty Vanessa and Uncle Thom. I am so thrilled to learn all that they have to offer. I am so lucky right now in my life. I never really realized how unhappy I was living at my grandma's. I've had to move there 3 different times and every time I've have to make due, so I did. But when I got that feeling back.... of "home" ....

There's nothing like it.
I feel like all my life I have had to be the mom to my mom. I've had to take care of her, instead of her taking care of me.... and maybe thats why I always feel like I need to take care of people. But I also like to be appreciated and taken care of back. I like getting advice without asking for it. I like people opening my eyes to new things. My mom always has a storm over her head, and we are so completely different on so many different levels. I love her so much, but I just can't live with her. She constantly compares me to herself when she was my age, and I am me, not her, she seems to not understand that. But she's always given me freedom and that is the one thing I need and cherish.
I live with my 15 year old cousin, Aisha, and Uh I don't have a sister, but I feel like I have one now. It's nice to be all girly together, sharing things n shit, as gay as it may sound.. Can't quite do that with a brother! But my Aunt stays here sometimes and I really enjoy it when she does. She has always been one of my hero's. She is a real woman. I appreciate her caring, and beautiful heart. and I love that she doesn't let people fuck with her. She is who she is, she see's what she see's and shares her visions without caring what other people think. She is the only person that really motivates me. No one ever pushes me and I want to be pushed. I can do more, but why don't I? I just need a little guidence I think. I'm still young and as mature as I know I am inside, I don't know where I'm going. All I know about tomorrow is that I have to work. I live day after day, and I try to smile and enjoy every moment I have. It makes me sad to know that my mom wakes up every day so unhappy. Why can't people realize that happiness is really a choice? I did fall into a really bad depression my junior year, and I did that whole counselor thing, tried the anti-depressants....... Well it didn't work.

.

What did?

.
My mom finally kicked me out. I went to go live with my dad on Vashon Island, but it was only going to be for the summer. Well I moved there and I swear I never saw one teenager and I hated living there, at first. I didn't know anyone, and there was nothing to do, So I spent that summer on the computer. Most of the time I was alone because my Dad worked so much, but my mood and feelings changed completely. I was so happy to not be surrounded by constant negativity, and bullshit. Everything was always my fault with my mom. She would stub her toe and somehow it would be my fault. Well, that person really wasn't my mom. Terry, the loser my mom wasted 5 years of her life with, pretty much changed her into his little slave. She acted like she didn't have children, and Terry was everything and all. Dealing with this made me become independent fast.
I loved that my Dad was so awesome in every way. And I'm not saying my mom isn't awesome, but me and him were so close. He let me be who ever I wanted and he accepted me with all that I am. I loved his sense of humor and I valued all the time that we shared together. He was so funny, he could make a 5 minute car ride the highlight of your day.

Moving Away.. to somewhere that was completely different than any place I had ever known.... and having the courage to open so many closed doors, made me happy. It was hard in the beginning, but it was what I found in those doors that made my depression an occasional feeling, instead of an every day illness. Everything is in your mind. I don't understand why people get bitter or all angry at the world over a misfortune that has come their way.
It's how you deal with it that determines your fate.
At least that's what I believe from my own experiences. Learning from other people's mistakes is something that's hard to do. Everyone has to go through their own heartache to learn what it feels like. . . . someone can't explain that...
I am so glad I decided to permanently stay with my dad, even though it was my "senior year" and I invisioned it to be so perfect like in the movies... but I found happiness and I was gonna try and hold on to it.
I think about who I would be if I had never made that decision. Someone completely different, I know. Life is so crazy. There is so much you can learn, and there is a story behind everything. I am so curious I want to soak up anything I can. Make up your mind to be happy, it works.
1 flower picked | pick a flower

[15 Jan 2006|01:00am]
and it looks like love
and it feels like love
and it tastes like love
and it hurts like love
but we both know that this isn't.
1 flower picked | pick a flower

i know everything happens for a reason, but i don't know a reason for this [13 Sep 2005|04:30am]
[ mood | numb ]

i don't know how i feel...
i just know that there's something very cold alive in me.
making me detached and careless. and i don't care. yet i wonder why? all of my life my problem has always been the fact I care too much. about everything and everyone. but when it comes to my dad, how could i not care? how could i let myself Not Care? Maybe i am so hurt that i just can't open that fucking door anymore. i don't even know. i don't even know where to begin.
I want to believe im okay, so i act like it.
What a nice facade i must put on.

..
i was thinking about my life today, my whole life, and me myself, i am fine. Just certain issues float inside of me and they still wiggle around when i least expect them to and i get really low. sometimes i wish my friends would notice something is wrong with me, but then i realize that i can't really expect that of them because i am completely different when im with them. i act normal. im happy. truly. but when i come home, and im alone with my thoughts it does get lonely.. but i always have been too independent, and i don't like people seeing me cry. I feel like a hypocrtie actually. I always think it's crazy when people think they're weak for crying...... because i want to be there for them, and i know it's normal to hurt, and good to cry....
But i feel like i am supposed to take care of everyone else, and if I am crying or I am sad what kind of stability would i be for them?

fuck. i actually wish i could just go into the mountains and scream for ever. i wouldn't scream words. i would just be fucking loud. that's what i feel like doing right now.

it's weird to think about a problem you're trying to understand, and you have so many questions.... why? why? why...? the universal question of everything...... but as time goes on, reasons pop up... and you understand. you understand everything eventually............ but i can never understand him. how wrong is it of me to think he's better of dying? I feel like it would just be so much easier. It was so hard to fucking watch him come down from using heroin when i first found out. he was crying like a little baby. buckets full of puke. i knew he had been using something, but the proof right before my eyes still killed me. i just felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart repeatedly. again. and again. and i was just watching them do it, and there was nothing that i could do. and they didn't care. they didn't care they were killing me. killing my fucking dreams. changing all my FUCKING plans. GOD and for my brother.... my brother who is so incredibly attached to my dad to see this...

I am glad i am a dreamer.
it keeps me optimistic and happy. And i Have dreams, lots of them, and i will not let him kill them anymore. But i can't stand for my brother to let my dad kill his dreams. I know my dad brings him down, and i hate that. i would throw mine all away for Evan's to come true.

I also really wish my mom had some balls. And lived in reality. How could she let evan stay here after i told her everything that fucking goes on, and OBVIOUSLY my dad isn't going to stop since he's been doing it his whole life, and thats the reason she got a divorce in the first place! what the fuck! am i just living in a nightmare full of stupid people? am i the only sane one? WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING A PROBLEM WITH THIS. evan SHOULD NOT be living with my dad.

Jesus. but then on the other hand, what about my dad? all alone? Yes... I know i actually DO care, but i am used to it now, the drugs arent a shock to me..... i just feel so fucking pissed off. For him to take away so much fucking innocence from us. I fucking loathe him, and i hope he burns in hell. But how the fuck can i mean that. I know i don't.


just flush me down the tolite

pick a flower

growing up is bullshit. [15 Jul 2005|11:46pm]
seriously. when i was little i was fearless, happy, and sweet. i lived in my own little world full of barbies, candy, and constantly testing everything. i remember having little meaningless crushes, but they still had cooties, and i pretended like i hated them. pulling their hair, pushing them, getting them to notice me and play with me. no, not the dirty way either.
i was a little tom boy, and i guess much hasn't really changed except i don't really play sports. i just hang out with boys. i remember being happy in the simplest of ways.
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my life is boring right now. gay gay gay [06 Mar 2005|01:22am]
[ mood | bored ]

my life. well, there really hasn't been much living going on lately because i've been sick. went to the doc and what-not and they don't know whats wrong, so that's cool. don't really care what it is, just as long as it goes away NOW, which it is, so i am happy. i've missed lots of school, and work, and that sucks. i hate when im not around a lot of people for a long time, because im sick or something, cuz then i just forget about how much fun school is or going out is, and when it comes time to getting back in the loop i've gotten too use to being lazy and shit that i don't want to go. then i have to talk myself into it because i know its always what i want, i just forget how much i miss it. whatever

its so crazy to believe that in like 4 months im going to be graduating. i have my senior pix this month that i have to take. i'm so ready for the next chapter in my life. so, so, so READY. you know, being on vashon, i really can say that i don't care about what people think about me anymore. i've always had this problem, i dont know about problem- but "thing" rather, that i feel like i have to have everyone like me inorder for me to be OK with myself. and its not a matter of being fake to people, it's just im used to being well liked. and here everyone is so gossipy and judgemental, and i dont know, i just dont give a fuck if someone doesn't like me. i can honestly be OK with it. i really do like it here though. i love all my friends. they are all great. i love island life pretty much. i like the quietness and seclusion, but i'm ready to leave. i know i'll come back a lot. i havent decided whether or not im going to move in with my mom before or after summer. i have a job here, and all my friends will be here before we all go on our separate journeys, so i will probaby stay. but who knows.

as far as guys are concerned, ugh, i like no one, absolutely no one. and i haven't since sophomore year. i mean really, and truly, liked someone. that is so sad. and i miss really liking someone. i want to really bad. i have a little crush, but its definitely not like, we've hung out like 3 times. but hopefully ill get the hook up. haha. anyways this is how im livin. yep. until next time, chow.

pick a flower

“I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers.” - marilyn manson [08 Feb 2005|09:12am]
[ mood | pissed ]

fuck. i am so pissed off right now. for awhile there, my life was too good to be true, but now it's like one dramatic problem after the next and i would understand if i did anything to make this shit appear, but i haven't and i am always somehow dragged into it. i am very loyal to my friends, and when someone hurts them, it's as if someone has hurt me and i will go to battle for them. but it's just like fuck... i am so sick of sticking up for people who can't fucking do it for themselves. so the obvious answer would be just to not do it, but it's hard when you really care about people. i go to school and usually talk to all my friends or ppl i know and now it's just like fuck you, you're fake. that's honestly how i feel. i am just so pissed man. TRUST is the most important thing to me. if i cant trust u, GOODBYE! and i don't trust anyone here. No One. I can't wait until i get to leave this fucking shit hole. everyone cares way too much about what everyone else is doing and it is so retarded. granted thats going to happen at any school or place, but here its like x214912864127416412846 and i fucking hate it. i just want to say FUCK YOU to everyone. don't even talk to me

pick a flower

[25 Jan 2005|08:09am]
i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want someone who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me say, you know
i've never heard it put that way
Make me say, what did you just say?
i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
Someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence that stops me like a brick wall
I'm tired of being the interesting one
I'm tired of having fun for two
Just lay yourself on the line
and I might lay myself down by you
1 flower picked | pick a flower

[19 Jan 2005|12:11am]
First best friend: laura quann
First car: 1992 mazda mpv... hell.. fuck .. yeahhhh ;)
First date: uhh i think his name was andrew
First real kiss: josh pruitt
First screen name: sun jwl
First self purchased CD: the first nsync CD.. lol
First pets: runty my dead cat
First musician heard in your house: lol duran duran i think
Last cigarette: ohhh hate em... but i probably smoked one last week
Last car ride: went to the store.... wow im cool
Last kiss: haha yeah... was that a mistake
Last library book checked out: i checked out a whole bunch today.... im a nerd
Last movie seen: liar liar!!!
Last beverage drank: ice tea babyy!!
Last food consumed: sandwich
Last crush: isaac
Last phone call: jake
Last time showered: almost 24 hours ago...after i finish this im about to jump in tho :) :)
Last shoes worn: my ae ugggggzzzzzz
Last cd played: lot's of techno today.
Last annoyance: the people that rent the top of my house. i hate them.
Last disappointment: the perfect ones are already taken.
Last shirt worn: a white one
Last website visited: lj
Last word/s you said: couldn't tell ya
Last song you sang: i sang a lot today
What color socks are you wearing? they are grey.
What color of underwear are you wearing? blue victoria secretezezez
What's under your bed? carpet
What time did you wake up today? 640am

.FUTURE.
where do you want to go? florida
What is your career going to be? im going to work for the FBI
How many kids do you want? three
What kind of car(s): range rover baybee

.CURRENT.
Current mood: sad/sick/headached out
Current music: nothing
Current taste: sandwich?
Current hair: pony tail
Current desktop picture: me and becca and laura
Current color of toenails: pale-ish
Current hate: PERIODS
(x) been drunk
(x) been high
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
( ) been dumped
( ) been fired or laid off
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
( ) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex
( ) ever dated someone of the same sex
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
( ) stole something from my job
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
(x) cut myself on purpose
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die.
( ) been to Africa.
(x) Punched a friend
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show(the movie yeah)
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been Snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) been pregnant or got someone pregnant
( ) lost a child
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) tried killing yourself
( ) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

.UNIQUE.
1. Nervous Habits? i lick my lips a lot i guess
2. Are you double jointed? only in my pinkies
3. Can you roll your tongue? na
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time? yes
5 Can you blow spit bubble? yes
6. Can you cross your eyes? yep
7. Tattoos? no
8. Piercings and where? ears i have 8, eyebrow, and soon to be tongue
9. Do you make your bed daily? ha no

.CLOTHES.
10. Which shoe goes on first? my right
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone? im pretty sure i have
12. On the average, how much money do you carry in your wallet? lol.. how about change...
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7? my eyebrow thingy is always in... i always have rings, earrings and a necklace on, whatever matches my clothes
14. Favorite piece of clothing? sweatshirts & boxers

.FOOD.
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? i cut it but then i twirl it.. ya see it saves time
16. Have you ever eaten Spam? probably in hawaii...
17. Favorite ice cream flavor? chocolate chip mint !! always.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet? 4 or something
19. What's your favourite beverage? sprite, rockstars, ice tea, coke, water
20. What's your favorite restaurant? oh man. this chinese place in china town and the this lebanese food place in renton.. bomb bomb biddy bomb boooomb!!!
21. Do you cook? yea

.GROOMING.
22. How often do you brush your teeth? morning, night, and sometimes in between. braces suck
23. Hair drying method? uh. time?
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair? yea

.MANNERS.
25. Do you swear? yea
26. Do you ever spit? no

.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE.
27. Animal? dogs
28. Food? cerial
29. Month? june
30. Day? friday
31. Favorite Cartoon Character? stewie
32. Shoe Brand? steve madden
33. Subject in school? english
34. Color? black & red
35. Sport? football
36. TV show? real world, family guy

.IN AND AROUND.
41. The CD player? the new snoooop and 2 techno mixes
42. Person you talk most on the phone with? christian
43. Ever taken a cab? yes
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows and mirrors? no
45. What color is your bedroom? light green
46. Do you use an alarm clock? yes
47. Window seat or aisle? aisle

.LA LA LAND.
48. What's your sleeping position? on my side, curled in a lil ball
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket? yea cause then it gets too cold in my room cause of my fan
51. Do you talk in your sleep? i know i use to.. not sure now
52. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? one
53. How about with the light on? night light or tv... im scared of the dark when i am alone ;/
54. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on? tv on mute
1 flower picked | pick a flower

[17 Jan 2005|08:31pm]
attitude reflects leadership.
pick a flower

lol haha [07 Jan 2005|08:08am]
Mom can I take you to my therapist? Cause he thinks I'm making you up.

--Grace -- Will and Grace
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why? [30 Dec 2004|01:20am]
[ mood | sick and shitty and thoughtful ]

i have so much on my mind lately, and i use to write in my journal or in here once a day, and i never do anymore. writing is my release. it is better than having anyone listen, or keeping it inside. i've just been so busy with shit that doesn't even really matter, like, hanging out with friends. too much. and most of the time im bored anyways.
evan got me sick. i now have a 4th cold since september. joy.
i have been working on my scholarship notebook lately... and i really hope this contact medicine works so i can focus on completing it and not on being sick.
today has just been horrible, and yet nothing has really even happened for me to feel this way. i just feel so annoyed, and irritated. and so lonely.

i am a very social person, but i am also a complete loner. i think i just need time to be alone. actually, i know for a fact that is what i need. i just pretty much dedicate my life to my friends and i just need to "regroup" sometimes. i just got done helping out a friend .. giving him ideas to asking out a girl he totally likes, in his eyes, she is perfect. and it got me thinking:
what is wrong with me?

do i not have the capablity to like someone so much anymore? has it gone away? where is it? when will it return? when can i get lost in someone again?
i have been "interested" in 3 guys at my school so far, and by interested i mean they seemed cool, but i'd have to get to know them better, but they both have girlfriends, and the other one... just too much baggage.. it's just i miss LIKING someone. i miss it so much. i never want to talk about it because all i hear is "it will come, trust me" oh fuck that shit so much. i dont need to listen to something i already know. and usually its the people that have boyfriends and girlfriends that say that gay lame ass everyone says it because they dont know what else to say kinda shit. I ALREADY KNOW. i never LOOK for anything. but i always hope. and i always think too much, rather than just acting on my emotions.

what the hell happened to equality? i am not going to be someones punching bag, and just chase a guy around and look like a complete fool.
today i was at the mall, and i was in this majorly loooong line and there was this girl and her friend behind me, and she was on the phone with her boyfriend (at least i am assuming) and all of a sudden she says this in a serious tone "so, are u going to actually talk to me or continue making fun of me because im not in the mood and i dont need to deal with it right now" and then her tone completely changed and shes "what! i was just joking!!!" then shes like "OMGOMGOMG he hung up on me!!!" and she makes this huge deal and complaining and complaining about how hes not going to call her for the rest of the night and shit, so she calls him back and apologizes, and tries to play it off as a joke, when really she was speaking her mind.
WHY?!
why why why!!!!!

you know what, yeah i am picky, because i dont want a relationship LIKE THAT! fuck always chasing after someone and feeling like shit. i HATE negativity and just dealing with jerks, or possessive control freaks. even though it does suck being alone, i'd rather be with myself than be with someone i don't want.

so many people are in relationships just for the sake of companionship, not because they actually are "into" that person, and it's sad, but i can also understand, to a certain extent. i know that with Josh, that whole situation was so dumb, but the more i knew of his love for carolina and the more i realized i was 2nd, i just really didn't want to let him go because i was so used to having someone call me and ask me where i was and basically just having someone. but there is also a point u reach, when common sense catches up with u, or maybe not catches up, but when u are ready to use it, and not just push it aside. because everyone always KNOWS what they should do, but few ever really do it. at least the first time around.

ahh this feels so good to write and let all this shit go. i just have so many things popping in my head, and its hard for me to contain myself. i just think way too much. that is the beginning and the end of the story.

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[18 Dec 2004|01:20am]
My ChartCollapse )
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yeah [29 Nov 2004|09:14am]
[ mood | fine ]

i havent updated in here in so long! im at school right now, in my 3rd period. today is a half day cause its the first day of the tri. i like all my classes so far. my schedual may change a lil though. my life is going pretty well for the most part. sure there's depressing days, but for the most part its all going fine. i love my friends very much. saturday vicky picked me up from the ferry. we were walking towards eachother with huge smiles on our faces and then we just hugged for a long time! i missed her soooo much. she just got a new 2005 honda civic... it's purrrty sik! but yeah we went to dakotas to meet some vashon ppl and apparently there was a party everyone was going to instead of going to dakotas, so only adina erika, joe, maggie, and alex were there, but i love them all so it was cool. me and vicky decided to just go to studio b, and adina had promised that she would go to studio b with me, but then once she found out hella people were going to dakotas, she fuckin bailed on me. lol. but as we were leaving, erika was like i want to go... and so adina and erika planned to go to studio b after they were done with dakotas. me and vic went to the market and bought some beer and then headed to studio b. we drank in the parking lot and had a long, deep conversations.. lol about boys.. what else! she started crying, but then everything was ok. we went in and i had a BLAST!!!!!!!!!!!! adina and erika came too and i was SO happy. especially because like, they listen to country mainly- well adina does, and this is new for them, and it's cool being the one to introduce them to new things. and they also introduced me to a lot of cool things too that i never really cared for.. like.... beer... lol.... country music... country things in general. i dont know. vic was like tori u are someone who can get along with anyone without ever really changing. i never really noticed that, but it's actually really cool she did. it's weird because when i lived in puyallup all my friends were pretty much into the "rock" scene and then when i moved to burien it was all about the "rap" scene and here on vashon, at least with the people that i hang out with its country. and i like it all. im fortunate to have the experiences that i've had. after studio b me and vicky went to this guys house and it was pretty fun. shit then after that we went to jack n tha box.............omg i never realized just HOW MUCH i miss fast food!!! lol, but it's probably better for me to live here because i was a heffer worse than i am now because of eating out all the time. lol. anyways yeah thats been really whats up... uhhh....... thanksgiving was cool. i love my dad very much. im so pissed off at my mom. i just dont even ugh. what the fuck ever. it's so hard for me to just put down my pride. it's really, really hard. why do i have to be so freaking stubborn. anyways, becca nutu! i really need to talk to you! call me






"Meet Joe Black" -
Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

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awww yeahhhhh sooooo?? [11 Nov 2004|10:43pm]
The Princess Bride
I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spainards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
overload.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
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so irritated [21 Oct 2004|10:11pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

well well well..
haven't written in here for a very long time. i actually miss writing down my thoughts and memories, but i am just too busy and i am not online very much anymore. i've been doing good, or.. okay. lately i have just been SO frustrated and irritated, and it's very strange for me to feel like this. i want it to be gone now. it's not even close to my period so these quick irritations need to go away. seriously.
on another note, homecoming was pretty good. besides all the arguing, and mixed up emotions. i had fun. for the most part. school is going really well. the only bad thing is that i always feel like i can't trust anyone. i am a person that likes to get very close to people, figure them out and see what they're about, and them the same for me.. but i feel like i dont know, i cant really do that here because my business will get around. i feel like i can't *really* talk to people. except for one person, but it's not like she goes to school. god, actually i am so bored. this whole fucking week has been boring. ugh thank god tomorrow is friday. theres a party tomorrow, but iono if im gonna go. i might stay home for once. sometimes i need to just be alone

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hahhaa im so sorry this is too funny not to post. [12 Oct 2004|11:35pm]
m4 s 2k 0h402: lol.. why do u like bush so much
XmoeX17: oh for fuck sake y do u have to get me started
m4 s 2k 0h402: hahah
m4 s 2k 0h402: i just want to know
XmoeX17: im republican.. ill leave it at that
m4 s 2k 0h402: you selfish rich bastard!
m4 s 2k 0h402: haha
XmoeX17: twat?
m4 s 2k 0h402: have u seen fahrenheit 9/11?
m4 s 2k 0h402: go see it ass
m4 s 2k 0h402: lol
XmoeX17: fuck that movie
m4 s 2k 0h402: haha!
XmoeX17: im not going to see it
m4 s 2k 0h402: y not man
XmoeX17: its FUCKING bullshit
XmoeX17 (10:23:28 PM): its FUCKING bullshit
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:23:34 PM): mmhmm...
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:23:40 PM): youre in denial
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:23:42 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:23:43 PM): haha
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:23:47 PM): bush is crap
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:23:55 PM): just say no to bush
m4 s 2k 0h402 wants to directly connect (10:23:56 PM).
XmoeX17 declines request; no connection was made. (Note: For best results, you and your buddy should use the latest version of AIM.) (10:24:01 PM).
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:24:16 PM): connect ass
m4 s 2k 0h402 wants to directly connect (10:24:27 PM).
XmoeX17 is now directly connected (10:24:32 PM).
XmoeX17 (10:24:38 PM): you political outlook is ludicis
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:24:43 PM): (funny "say not to bush" pic here)

m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:24:45 PM): hahahah
XmoeX17 (10:25:03 PM): pfff
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:25:06 PM): hahahah
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:25:20 PM): ludicris huh
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:25:21 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:25:32 PM): bush is ridiculous
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:25:41 PM): hes a damn air head too
XmoeX17 (10:25:47 PM): you are
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:27:16 PM): bush in a spelling bee

ok mr. bush.. spell Baghdad..

"B...B... uhh.... BOOM!! Yes! Thats how you spell it!"
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:27:18 PM): hahahah
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:28:03 PM): you know the only reason he is sacrificing all our troops' lifes right now in iraq is for the oil.. thats it
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:28:26 PM): iraq is no threat... now korea... they have nukes and shit
XmoeX17 (10:29:37 PM): oh jeasus
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:29:44 PM): i dont feel safe with bush being president
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:29:48 PM): lol
XmoeX17 (10:30:05 PM): any democrat who knows what's good for 'em doesn't say that anymore
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:30:07 PM): have you watched any of the debates?
XmoeX17 (10:30:11 PM): all
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:30:18 PM): bush is a fuckin moron
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:30:19 PM): hahah
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:30:25 PM): doesnt even know what hes talkin about
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:30:26 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:30:37 PM): and all he does is talk about the war in iraq
XmoeX17 (10:30:48 PM): DO U ACTUALLY THINK KERRY WILL DO EVERYTHING HE SAYS
XmoeX17 (10:31:05 PM): ON JUST BULLSHIT SO RETARDS LIKE U BELIEVE IT
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:31:07 PM): hey... i dont care if he doesnt.. as long as bush wont be president
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:31:08 PM): lol
XmoeX17 (10:31:09 PM): AND VOTE FOR HIM
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:31:51 PM): do you know what bush did when 9/11 happend?
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:31:53 PM): nothing..
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:31:53 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:02 PM): he sat there while it was happening
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:03 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:12 PM): he had a chance to prevent all of that
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:17 PM): and did nothing
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:20 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:33 PM): he did nothing but go on vaction and golf..
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:56 PM): i think bush did too much pot
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:32:57 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:33:03 PM): smoked himself retarded
XmoeX17 (10:33:04 PM): brainwashed by a fuckin movie
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:33:04 PM): hahaha
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:33:09 PM): k?!
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:33:10 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:33:18 PM): youre brainwashed
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:33:18 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:33:23 PM): haha
XmoeX17 (10:33:39 PM): i look at facts.. i dont go thro other peoples oppion to decide mine
XmoeX17 (10:34:00 PM): kerry is a accident waiting to happen
XmoeX17 (10:34:01 PM): i see it
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:34:06 PM): haha
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:34:07 PM): right
XmoeX17 (10:34:12 PM): and bush needs to rebuild what he started
XmoeX17 (10:34:18 PM): thats just the way it is
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:34:19 PM): pfffffft
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:34:39 PM): look how many peoples lives hes pretty much wasted
XmoeX17 (10:35:15 PM): ty do u think kerry wouldnt do that?
XmoeX17 (10:35:20 PM): hes not a fucking god
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:35:25 PM): haha
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:35:27 PM): i dont care
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:35:42 PM): at least kerry isnt a fuckin damn airhead like bush
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:35:43 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:35:47 PM): hahah
XmoeX17 (10:35:55 PM): risk taking is the name of the game
XmoeX17 (10:35:59 PM): if u hide
XmoeX17 (10:36:12 PM): u will fuck
XmoeX17 (10:36:20 PM): kerry will hide
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:36:47 PM): hey.. im sorry.. but i dont feel like going to iraq to waste my life becuz bush is a goddamn faggot lol
XmoeX17 (10:37:31 PM): oh so who told u that there was going to be a draft?
XmoeX17 (10:37:37 PM): some other idiot?
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:37:41 PM): nah...
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:37:45 PM): its gonna happen
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:37:46 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:37:55 PM): cuz bush is wasting so many lives
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:38:38 PM): if bush is reelected... i hope your ass is 1st in line for the draft.. i dont care if youre in college.. i hope they pull your ass out
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:38:39 PM): hahahah
XmoeX17 (10:38:56 PM): whatever
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:39:01 PM): i wont you to go serve for your precious president
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:39:05 PM): want*
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:39:13 PM): lol
XmoeX17 (10:39:20 PM): do u know the difference between republican and democrat?
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:39:24 PM): yea
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:39:31 PM): do you
XmoeX17 (10:39:46 PM): i have since 9th grade
XmoeX17 (10:39:57 PM): its more likley kerry would insitute the draft then bush
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:40:05 PM): youre only republican cuz your rich
XmoeX17 (10:40:26 PM): do u actullay think its possiable to pull the troops out of iraq
XmoeX17 (10:40:29 PM): ummm
XmoeX17 (10:40:32 PM): no
XmoeX17 (10:40:38 PM): iraq will fall
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:40:47 PM): and then what....lol
XmoeX17 (10:40:55 PM): our fucking troops are the law enforcement there
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:41:01 PM): k.. lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:41:06 PM): for what tho
XmoeX17 (10:41:12 PM): they are tring to build a democracy there
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:41:29 PM): bush is only going for the old
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:41:31 PM): oil
XmoeX17 (10:41:35 PM): we destroyed their dictatorship
XmoeX17 (10:41:40 PM): ty
XmoeX17 (10:41:46 PM): u dont know shit
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:41:50 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:41:52 PM): dude
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:41:56 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:42:17 PM): hes pretty much going like "look over here look over here.. dont look over here.."
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:42:27 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:42:54 PM): just shut up.. im right..
XmoeX17 (10:43:13 PM): ok ty
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:43:16 PM): ill kill you bitch..
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:44:04 PM): haha
XmoeX17 (10:44:42 PM): HAHAHA
XmoeX17 (10:45:27 PM): your a tool
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:45:43 PM): right
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:45:44 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:48:53 PM): i dont think youre doin too good here man... youre not backin your boy up too well...
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:48:54 PM): hahaha
XmoeX17 (10:49:44 PM): you like that afro ninja dont ya
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:49:53 PM): wtf
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:49:54 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:49:56 PM): haha
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:49:57 PM): yea..
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:50:00 PM): what about it
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:50:00 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:50:19 PM): that was random
XmoeX17 (10:50:38 PM): hes a tool too
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:50:42 PM): hahahah
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:50:43 PM): wtf
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:50:44 PM): hahaha
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:51:28 PM): youre a tool
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:51:28 PM): lol
XmoeX17 (10:51:53 PM): you're a piece of work
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:53:36 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:53:54 PM): im a flawless piece of work ;-)
XmoeX17 (10:54:24 PM): haha
XmoeX17 (10:54:46 PM): i want u to have this argument w/ brandon
XmoeX17 (10:54:53 PM): hes worse than me
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:55:03 PM): hahah
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:55:08 PM): no.. brandon is gay
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:55:11 PM): ill that bitch too
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:55:16 PM): hahah
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:56:01 PM): im sure brandon would at least do a better job of debating and backin his precious bush up
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:56:06 PM): lol
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:56:41 PM): i think this whole presidential shit is fuckin gay...
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:58:07 PM): i dare you tho.. i seriously dare you.. to watch fahrenheit 9/11
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:58:24 PM): if you still feel the same for bush... then youre in complete denial
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:58:25 PM): lol
XmoeX17 (10:59:02 PM): you have offended me in a way where i think compeletly different than you
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:59:13 PM): HAHAHAHAHHA
XmoeX17 (10:59:22 PM): you do a fuckin bullshit job of backing kerry u know that
XmoeX17 (10:59:29 PM): ur just close minded
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:59:34 PM): hahaha
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:59:50 PM): i wasnt backin kerry.. i was just shittin on bush
m4 s 2k 0h402 (10:59:54 PM): lol
XmoeX17 (11:00:02 PM): allright
m4 s 2k 0h402 (11:00:17 PM): someone needs to go take a razor and shave bush off...
m4 s 2k 0h402 (11:00:19 PM): haha
XmoeX17 direct connection is closed (11:00:23 PM).
XmoeX17 signed off at 11:00:23 PM.
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my aunty.. [11 Oct 2004|07:34am]
yesterday when i heard the news about my aunt i immediately called my mom, then i talked to my aunt and i couldn't even speak i was so upset. like even talking about it or saying the "C" word .. it's very hard for me. i look like an owl my eyes are huge. i got up did my hair and makeup this morning for school and then i was just looking at myself in the mirror and i was like i really can't deal with school today. i know i've had 8 absences but i can't deal with it right now. i know everyone is going to be like "im sorry" and what not and i'll have to face it all day. and if i can't even talk about it how can i deal with it all day?

yesterday once i found out i sat outside and it was so beautiful out. so sunny and there were so many flowers and everything was full of life and green. and i just couldn't stop thinking and crying. it was like here i am around all this life....... while my aunt is struggling to keep hers. when something like this happens it gives u a WHOLE new perspective on life, and just people, family in general. it's like from yesterday to today, the everyday things that i do... i did them... and it's like woah. she taught me that. she taught me this too. and i never really realized JUST everything and just what an enormus impact she has on me, and the things that i do everyday. she got me my first bra and first thong she taught me how to do my make up we went on trips to california and road trips i talked to her about everything. i know she is not dead, just the fact she even has cancer, no matter how big, is too much.

whenever someone needs money, or help, she is always there, and this is not an under statement. i am glad they are millionaires because she can afford the medical costs and thing that she will need to keep her alive. she was the one calming ME down yesterday. she was.

i look outside and it looks so beautiful.. and i know people do die everyday, but when someone close to you has death possibily in their near future, you really look at everything differently.. and no matter how beautiful, how rich, or how great the person is, no matter how nice they were, or how loving or caring or if they helped so many people......... those people die everyday. those beloved people. and life goes on. as if nothing happened. the grass will still be green. the sun will still hurt your eyes, flowers will still smell so good, and they will be gone. that person. your person. your love. that child. that grandma. that teacher. that friend.
when god needs you, or needs to show you something, he just will. and if he needs to take something away from you, he will too. not necessarily because he's mean, but because that is the beauty of life. that is the meaning of life. Coming here... sharing your gifts, your talents, while impacting people from all walks of life.... but when god feels that you are needed else where, you must go. you have to go. while we all have to grieve...
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i cant handle it [10 Oct 2004|02:01pm]
[ mood | devastated ]

im really fucked up now. i cant stop crying or blowing my nose. i just found out my aunty vanessa, who is like my 2nd mom has lung cancer. im so fucked up i cant believe this

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[04 Oct 2004|02:52pm]
[ mood | pissed off at my own self ]

BAD HABITS ARE HARD TO BREAK. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU PROCRASTINATE ON EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME THAT IT HAS BECOME YOUR WAY, YOUR STYLE, YOUR LIFE. AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gosh damn i am so freaking frustrated with myself. SCHOOL needs to be first, and i always put off homework until the last minute. i have always been like this, but i would ALWAYS get it done, even if i had to stay up the whole night to do so, i DID IT. and now its like ... oh... if im tired... oh... ill do it tomorrow. NO! totally and completely UNacceptable!!!!!!!!! school is seriously important and it needs to be number one, and i dont know why i just relax and then do my hw, because when i get it done all at once i feel MUCH better. you know, sometimes i REALLY hate myself... a lot. it's so annoying. im annoying myself, and im sick of my excuses. i have them for everything. i need to stop being a little lazy ass bitch and get with the program. someone smack me

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weird [02 Oct 2004|10:12am]
[ mood | lucky ]

so uhh yeah. @ isaac's and there's hella mothafuckin people. me and bailey were shroomin inside and there was soo many people outside. then all of a sudden i see all these people BOOK it to the beach and im like wtf is there a fight and then i hear something like the cops are here and i am like WHAT THE COPS ARE HERE? WHAT!!!!! and baileys like calm down then she was like WHAT THE COPS??? and so a fuckin pig comes inside the house and hes like everyone pop out some ID and i am so fucking scared im seriously bout to shit myself!!!! so the cops shine the lights on us and when ure on shrooms its like wait-- is this real? is this really happening? and then the cops go to Julie (isaac's mom) they go to her bedroom and shes like pretending to be sleeping through the whole party and shit and the cop was like what are u on dope ure letting underage kids party and then leave here loaded wtf is wrong with u and julie just went off and then they went outside and talked and i am so scared im about to cry i like could see my life flash before my eyes and it was like wow how the fuck did i get into this position seriously.. so then the cops leave and i am like loving god so much right now its insane. before the cops came my night was wicked. i had so much fucking fun it was great. then like me brittany erika adina and bailey were all snuggling up in this blanket and we started talking about what nationality i was and shit and they were like well who is saudi arabian ur mom or dad? and i was like well i dont know my REAL dad blahblahblah but he was the one thats saudi. and bailey works with my dad and she knows him really well and she was like totally freaking out being like WHAT WHAT JIM ISNT UR DAD WHAT and she kept doing it and it wasnt her fault at all i mean she was shroomin too but she was making a hella big deal and i was like no jim IS my dad just not biologically and shit and adina like was like BAILEY focus he is her dad hes been with her ever since she was one blahblahblah and i just started crying because it was like at that moment i really realized that no, my dad, he wasn't really my father like how it normally is, or how it should be. i mean i always knew my dad-jim- wasn't my REAL dad, but i never even thought about it or anything. until last night and it made me so sad because i love my dad so much and i am not apart of him. like blood wise. and to some it might not seem like a big deal, and it wasnt to me at all until last night when i finally realized it. it was like being on shrooms u get a different stand point and u realize different aspects of things, like deeper shit. it's crazy. i was just thinking about guys too and how most of them here just want a piece of ass and i mean come on i just had my first kiss in may i have never really done anything, and sleeping around and just randomly doing shit with guys is not my style, im sorry. i have so much more respect for myself than that. because afterward u feel shitty and used. i am a very meaningful person. i always want to matter, be accepted, liked and loved, and most of all i want to make a difference and an impact on my friends and even people around me that i dont know. i just want to be of service and help. i want to have friends that mean something to me and a relationship that means something to me first before i go out and just like make out with ppl or something. i dont know. im in a strange mood. well. sorry this post was probably weird. okay bye

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